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| Killy Character Sketch http://blame.heeen.de/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=509 |
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| Author: | Graviton Beam Emitter [ Wed Jun 21, 2006 7:55 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Killy Character Sketch |
I am writing this for a class, not quite finshed though... Opinions? Help? < start > Killy When encountered by trouble, his first instinct is to pull out his weapon, The Graviton Beam Emitter, to threaten that which is threatening him. If that does not work, he will most likely fire his weapon, as long as he is not in a volatile area. Whether he wins or loses his fight, it's unlikely that he will actually die. If knocked through a wall, the damage will be visible, but he limps away and will rest for an unknown amount of hours, until his body repairs itself. His face takes the most damage, normally covered in scars. Losing limbs also is fairly common for him, which results in having to carry around a medical device, or if they came out of place and are still attached: breaking them back into the joint. He has a habit of wandering in the dark, which matches his clothing and hair, not to mention personality. He seems to have a type of kinship with other humans, however, he is not necessarily a warm person. He has a type of charisma, perhaps from his strength to continue, that attracts people to him. A lot of the time he is not around human life, but during the occasional time that he is, they aren't like him. Whether they are shorter, or taller, these humans have adapted to their atmosphere and surroundings. When the humans see this man, (or boy in their eyes) they think of him as odd, but in the end, this odd man becomes their savior. He also has a lot of enemies. The most common are something called “Silicon Humans/life” which used to be humans, but are now infused with electronic devices, and are rather deformed from the natural human shape. They are shunned by society, and hunted by the “Authority”, which send “Safeguard Exterminators” to eliminate the Silicon Life. His mission is none other than to find people with “Net Terminal Genes”. What Net Terminal Genes actually are, is unspecified. It does suggest that they may be able to connect to something called the “Net Sphere”, which seems like a separate world completely. Killy is the dark wanderer’s name. < end > EDIT: I added the last paragraph, lemme know what you think. |
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| Author: | Clawza [ Wed Jun 21, 2006 8:59 pm ] |
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| Author: | Graviton Beam Emitter [ Wed Jun 21, 2006 10:28 pm ] |
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| Author: | Divine Comedy [ Thu Jun 22, 2006 10:54 pm ] |
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| Author: | Graviton Beam Emitter [ Fri Jun 23, 2006 9:43 pm ] |
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thanks. I added the last paragraph. Lemme know how it flows. |
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| Author: | Matutinal [ Sat Jun 24, 2006 5:28 am ] |
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It's disjointed, and you use the passive voice too often. It's better to not use passive at all if you can help it. I also noticed the similar sentence patterns of independent clause, side thought, and dependent clause you used in your paragraphs. You can try changing the sentence structure to add more variety, and easier flow. You can also try to use less commas. Unless this is for a research paper, I recommend adding more flare to the narration to maintain interest. Hope this helps. :) |
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| Author: | Graviton Beam Emitter [ Sat Jun 24, 2006 5:30 am ] |
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totally! I will work on it some tomarrow, after I finsh a biography on Rudyard Kipling. |
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